You don’t have to have it all figured out at 22
2021 was probably the worst year of my life for many reasons. I didn’t intend on leaving my full-time job with nothing else lined up and a quickly dwindling bank account. I didn’t see my relationship with food deteriorating and anxiety consuming even more of my life than it already did. I didn’t see myself having an existential crisis and juggling about 5 different business ideas with the temptation to completely give up on finding a purpose in life. I just didn’t see it coming.
I studied English Language and Linguistics at university and never really enjoyed the course. I enjoyed learning and writing good essays that got me good grades but I wasn’t really interested in the content. I’m a very ambitious gal so finding a career I could progress in was always on my agenda. Whilst I was studying I did two internships with big publishing houses and once I’d graduated, I managed to land a Marketing Assistant role for a publisher in August 2020. I loved reading and learnt so much in this role but I was still missing the ‘this is what I want to do’ spark.
After spending most of 2020 in and out of national lockdowns, I honestly thought 2021 was going to be my big year. Lol. I was going to discover my dream job, get my dream body, move out of my house and into my own place with my boyfriend. I made the moodboard, started drinking more water, adopted an on-off plant-based lifestyle and sat back waiting for the magic to happen. And I waited. And I waited. By the summer, I started to panic. Enthusiasm for my job came in fleeting bursts, I wasn’t seeing any progress towards my ‘dream body’ (newsflash: it doesn’t exist) and I still couldn’t identify something to be passionate about. I was depressed and anxious and I felt stuck.
But in the panic of feeling stuck, I did something I’d never done before: I threw myself out of routine. I left my full-time job in November 2021 to focus on my mental health and started working as an ad-hoc receptionist. I started therapy once a week and running regularly and writing again and decided to just let things flow. This started off well until I started to panic again. I had hardly any money and it felt like all of my friends were being promoted or securing amazing full-time jobs and accomplishing amazing things whilst I was just floundering around, unable to keep a full-time job or conjure up any sense of direction. I felt embarrassed when people asked me ‘what are you doing now?’ A couple of months ago I was in a promising career and it felt like a step backwards.
But it hasn’t been all bad. I’ve had a lot of time to think and figure out what I do and don’t like over the last few months. I’ve thought a lot about that first lockdown and how much fun I had spending the days doing things I loved with the people I loved. Cooking, baking, walking, long runs with my boyfriend, picnics, drawing, writing, movie nights, drinks in a sunny garden — letting time pass and enjoying it rather than feeling obligated to fill it with achievements and progress. I know it’s a privilege to have had a positive experience of lockdown — my dad owns a gym and is a personal trainer, so I saw the negative effects of the restrictions first-hand — but I’ll always cherish the memories I made from April — July 2020. I truly found the things that made me happy and I feel like I massively lost sight of those little joys in 2021.
I’ve decided that I don’t want to be an achiever, I want to be a learner. I’m a very visual person and love illustration and design, so I want to learn more about it and how to be skilled in it. I enjoy singing and want to practice more and improve my performance. I love writing and have started studying copywriting. I don’t like working as a receptionist and being expected to be jolly and smiley all the time but I do like meeting new people. I don’t like doing mundane and uninspiring work but I do like having goals and routines. I still don’t have a clue what I want to do with my life but the more I accept that the calmer I feel. I’m privileged enough to have so many avenues available for me to pursue, the only thing stopping me is myself.
So if you’re feeling a bit lost, overwhelmed or behind in life (no such thing) I want you to know this: You don’t have to follow the conventional 9–5 route but you can if you enjoy it. You don’t have to know what you want to do as soon as you pick your GCSEs or leave school or university or even in your first job. Sometimes time is what you need to figure out what you want to do. If you have the privilege to be picky about the kind of job you work and you can’t find something that suits you, then create it. If you have access to the internet and some free time as well as food and shelter, you’ll be amazed at what you can achieve. Rest, recharge, take breaks, but don’t give up.
Shadé x
